Home 9 Uncategorized 9 Shining the Light on Gaslighting

Shining the Light on Gaslighting

Feb 1, 2023 | Uncategorized

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Despite nearly a century of use, Merriam-Webster’s 2022 word of the year is one of the most misused. Gaslighting, a form of manipulation, is often a catchall phrase for manipulative behaviors that don’t fit the word’s actual definition. Overuse of the word obscures the true nature of this abusive tactic and makes it increasingly difficult to recognize. Its true meaning is to have your reality and experiences repeatedly challenged, which can look different and happen in various ways. We’ll cover what gaslighting is, what it looks like, common tactics, and red flags to watch so you can more easily detect this subtle form of abuse.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a deliberate pattern of manipulation. A person who gaslights will intentionally and systematically feed you information that contradicts what you know to be true. The goal? To undermine your trust in yourself and crush your self-confidence, sowing a dependence on the abuser. Because if you can’t trust yourself as a witness to your own experiences, you’re forced to rely on their version of reality.

The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1938 play (and 1944 film adaptation) Gaslight, where, in the plot, the husband manipulates his wealthy new wife into believing she’s gone mad in order to steal her inheritance. He changes the intensity of the gas lamps in the home, knocks on walls, and moves items around the house to convince her she’s hearing and seeing things that aren’t there.

Examples of gaslighting

While you may associate gaslighting with romantic relationships, it can occur in any relationship, including between doctor and patient, parent and child, manager and direct report, or friendships. Consider these examples of gaslighting from Healthline below.

Why it works

Gaslighting causes you to question your reality, judgments, perception, and sanity. A gaslighter’s intention is power and control, but it’s hard to detect because the abuser doesn’t employ threats or physical force. Instead, they misguide you into willingly agreeing and complying with their views. You understandably want to trust the person who is gaslighting you. You want to believe your partner, doctor, parent, or boss has your best interests at heart.

Gaslighting is hard to detect and defend against because it’s subtle. It can take the form of feigned concern for your well-being. Like if your roommate tells you, “Hey, I overheard your friends talking, and they’re only hanging out with you to take advantage of your professional connections. I just thought you should know.” By feeding into your insecurities, like the fear your friends do not care about you, the gaslighter gives you a reason to believe it.

Consequences and impact

Being gaslit is psychologically devastating. It sends you into a spiral of self-doubt, wondering if you’re losing your mind and causing you to question your instincts. Consider the impact:

Anxiety
Depression
Trust issues
Eroded self-confidence
Self-blame (for being naïve, too trusting, vulnerable, or dependent)
Isolation
Hypervigilance caused by residual from constantly walking on eggshells and being on high alert.

Tactics a gaslighter may use

Gaslighting is harder to recognize because it’s subtle and intended to confuse you. The person gaslighting is usually someone you care for and trust. To help you identify it, here are a few tactics a person who gaslights may employ:

Withholding: The person pretends not to understand or refuses to listen to avoid responding. “I don’t want to hear this again,” “you’re trying to confuse me,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Countering: The person questions your memory of events. “That’s not what happened,” “Your memory is terrible,” “You’re not
remembering it correctly.”
Rewriting history: The person recounts the story in a way that paints them in a positive light while introducing doubt and confusion to your recollection of the event. “I didn’t shove you into a wall. You stumbled, and I reached out to steady you, causing you to fall into the wall.”
Blocking or diverting: The person changes the subject or asks a question to reroute the conversation, causing you to lose your train of thought and wonder how valid your point is when they don’t feel the need to respond. “Did you get another crazy idea from your family again?”
Trivializing: The person minimizes your thoughts and emotions, dismissing them as ‘wrong’ and causing you to feel invalidated and misunderstood. “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” “Why are you so hyper-sensitive.”
Forgetting or denial: The person pretends to forget what happened or denies things like promises they made to you. Even when you provide valid proof, they double down on their lies, and they can be so convincing that you question yourself despite the evidence. “You’re making that up,” “You’re crazy,” “That never happened.”
Shifting blame: When you call out abusive behavior, the person takes the victim’s role and shifts the blame to you. They may police your tone, or criticize your tone of voice to flip the script, so you feel you’re to blame. “If you only did XYZ, I wouldn’t treat you like that.”
Discrediting: The person spreads rumors or gossip about you, taking control of the narrative and convincing others to side with them. They may express concern to your face while suggesting to others that you seem mentally unwell. They may even lie and tell you that others also think you’re unstable, causing you to doubt your perceptions and put more weight into trusting what the gaslighter and others have ‘said.’
Words as weapons: When you call out or question the behavior, the person uses loving words, reassurance, and compliments to diffuse the situation. This affection can cause you to feel bad for accusing the person of abuse. “You know how much I love you. I would never want to hurt you.”

Red flags: what being gaslit feels like

Identifying a gaslighter’s tactics takes practice and perception. Check-in with yourself and see if any of the below rings true.

You’re plagued by pervasive self-doubt. You find yourself minimizing the situation and it’s impact with thoughts like, “I need to grow thicker skin” or “It’s really not that bad.”
You constantly question your judgments and thoughts. You second-guess yourself and wonder if you can accurately recall the details of an event. You’re afraid of being wrong or looking unstable or hyper-sensitive, so you avoid sharing your thoughts and feelings.
You feel vulnerable and on edge. You feel as if you’re walking on eggshells around the person, feeling alert and threatened even if you don’t know why.
You isolate yourself. You’re convinced everyone around you believes you’re overly dramatic or not in your right mind, causing you to isolate yourself and feel misunderstood and alone.
Your self-esteem is fractured. You adopt the gaslighter’s voice as your inner critic and wonder if you’re as unintelligent, inadequate, and insane as they make you feel.
You apologize for everything. You feel compelled to apologize for what you do and who you are, assuming you always let others down.
You feel like you can never do anything right. You feel inadequate like you’re never good enough, and strive to please others by meeting their expectations – no matter how unreasonable.
You worry there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You’re concerned there’s something fundamentally wrong or broken in you, like you’re neurotic and out of control.
You avoid making decisions. You struggle to make decisions because you don’t trust yourself. You’d rather someone else decide so you can avoid it altogether.

How to respond

If you’ve noticed signs of gaslighting, here are steps you can take to address it and reclaim your sense of self.

Keep a record:

Gaslighting causes you to question yourself, so keep evidence of the behavior. You could keep a journal, save texts, or store emails as a reminder the behavior is real and not to doubt yourself.

Take space:

Pinpointing the deceptions is difficult when you’re in the thick of it. Take a step back from the rollercoaster of intense emotions and practice relaxation techniques.

Set boundaries:

Boundaries are guidelines that outline what behaviors you will and will not accept. Make it clear that you will not tolerate the other person minimizing or ignoring what you have to say.

Seek support:

Confide with a close friend or family member about what’s happening. An outside perspective can help you see more clearly. The person can validate and be a witness to your situation.

Talk to a professional:

If you suspect you’re being gaslit, talking to a mental health professional can help you learn about the situation, gain perspective, and provide strategies to help you cope with and work through the behavior. If you’re experiencing ongoing abuse, a therapist can help you develop a plan to leave the relationship safely.

Need help now? The National Domestic Violence Hotline is here for you.

From coffee to soda to energy drinks, caffeine is a part of daily life for many of us. And while it is naturally occurring, overconsumption can cause health problems such as increased blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety, headaches, and insomnia. For this blog, we sat down with Susie Roberts, a Registered Dietitian to discuss all things caffeine—why it’s such a big part of our lives, how much of it is in the food items many people enjoy regularly, and how much is too much. We’ll also talk about current trends and tips on how to boost your energy naturally so you can stop relying on caffeine to keep you energized throughout the day.

Q: Just this morning, I heard someone say “I’m not caffeinated enough for this day!” It really is such a big part of our daily lives. Why do you think that is?
A: It’s not surprising at all to hear that! About 90% of American adults consume caffeine daily. People are looking for ways to boost their energy and increase alertness and caffeine is readily available and socially acceptable.

Q: So, what exactly is caffeine, and how does it work?
A: Caffeine is a natural stimulant that affects the central nervous system. After consumption, it’s absorbed into the bloodstream and travels to the brain, where it blocks the effects of adenosine—a chemical that promotes sleep. This interference helps you feel more alert and awake.

Caffeine typically reaches your brain within 15 minutes, peaks in the bloodstream at 30 to 120 minutes, and has a half-life of 3 to 7 hours.

Q: Everyone knows that coffee and many soft drinks contain caffeine. But where else can it be found? If we are consuming these beverages and other items, how can we know the amount of caffeine we are getting?
A: Energy drinks have become very popular—especially among young adults. These contain not only caffeine, but may also have added sugars, so it’s a double whammy. Chocolate and many varieties of tea also contain caffeine. You may also want to check out any nutrition supplements or medications you are taking. And, many people may not realize it, but even decaf coffee contains a certain amount of caffeine.

Q: How much is too much when it comes to caffeine?
A: For most healthy adults, the FDA says up to 400 mg per day is safe. That’s about 4 cups of coffee. But you need to remember, that’s based on an 8 oz cup. Many people order an extra-large coffee, so you need to be aware of exactly how much you are taking in. Each individual reacts differently to caffeine based on their genetics, medications, and sleep habits.

How Much Is Too Much? Make Sure You Know Your Limits.

Q: What are the current trends in caffeine consumption?
A: As I mentioned before, energy drinks are increasing in popularity. They haven’t taken over coffee in the top spot, but Americans spent $19.2 billion on them in 2023 and that’s expected to rise to $33 billion by 2030. Coffee remains at the top, accounting for 69% of total caffeine intake, an increase of 15% in the last decade. And while the number of tea drinkers has dropped by 50%, those who drink it are consuming more.

Q: How can I be more aware about the amount of caffeine I’m getting?
A: Mindful consumption of caffeine is being intentional about what, when, and how much you consume. Track your intake and pay attention to any potential unwanted side effects like jitters or difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep. Are you sleeping 6-8 hours a night and waking refreshed? If not, consider a “hard stop” 10 hours before your bedtime. Remember, that cup of coffee you had at 8 am can potentially still be in your system at 5 pm, so it’s important to time it right. And finally, if you decide you want to reduce your caffeine consumption, do it slowly to minimize any withdrawal symptoms such as headaches.

Be Mindful of Your Caffeine Consumption.

Q: Sometimes though, you need extra energy when you hit that afternoon slump. Can you suggest any alternative ways to get that boost and avoid turning to caffeine?
A: There are a few simple ways you can get that energy boost. First, make sure you are hydrated. Water supports joint health, oxygen delivery, temperature regulation, skin health, and more. You also want to move—even a short walk or stretch break can help. Make sure your meals are balanced with a protein and complex carbs. And most importantly, rest and recover. Sometimes rest—not more coffee—is what your body needs.

Q: So, what are your final thoughts on caffeine?
A: Caffeine can be part of a healthy lifestyle and may even offer some health benefits—but it’s all about balance and awareness. If you’re reaching for that third cup of coffee at 3 pm, pause and ask: Am I actually tired, hungry, or just in a habit? And then give one of the things we talked about a try, to get that energy boost naturally and see if that caffeine craving goes away.