Sometimes grief arrives before the actual loss. You might be on the verge of divorce or watching a loved one’s terminal illness progress, feeling the pain of an impending loss. This emotion is called anticipatory grief. It’s the sense of looming loss, even though your current situation hasn’t changed yet.
Anticipatory grief can help you prepare for the future, but it can also bring overwhelming sadness and uncertainty. This can drain your energy and emotional bandwidth, overshadowing the present and stealing joyful moments.
So, how can you stay present and find moments of joy when you’re expecting a significant loss?
What is anticipatory grief?
While grief is a natural response to loss, anticipatory grief is the emotion you feel before the loss happens. Instead of reacting to the change, you experience grief in expectation of a loss.
While commonly associated with terminal illness, the loss or change can be anything: a relationship, family structure, routine, loved one, career, home, or dream. It even includes welcome and expected changes like moving to a new city or accepting a new job.
When might someone experience anticipatory grief?
You may mourn an aging parent who is no longer the same person, become concerned about the financial consequences of a divorce, grieve a change in family structure when a child goes to college or spouse is deployed, or feel guilty about not wanting to watch a loved one deteriorate.
Anticipatory grief can be triggered by many different things. Find more common situations here.
Symptoms of anticipatory grief
Since you can’t predict exactly what the future will look like after the loss or change, your mind fills in the gaps. It’s normal for your feelings to change over time. Some days, you might feel anxiety and fear, imagining worst-case scenarios. Other days, you might hold on to hope, believing that a diagnosis is wrong, the layoff won’t happen, or you’ll find a way to avoid foreclosure.
The uncertainty about how the loss or change will impact your life can fuel a cycle of hope and anxiety, causing emotional whiplash that is confusing and exhausting.
Emotional symptoms
- Shame
- Guilt
- Fear, irritability, anger
- Loss of control of emotions
- Loneliness and isolation or withdrawal from others
- Anxiety
- Dread
- Desperation
- Fixation/intense preoccupation with impending loss
- Rehearsal of loss
- Difficulty concentrating
Physical symptoms
- Lethargy
- Difficulty sleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Upset stomach/digestive issues
- Oversensitivity to noise, sights, or smells
- Aches and pains
- Tightness or heaviness in your chest or throat
- A hollow feeling in your stomach
Grieving before loss can help you prepare
Anticipatory grief is also called preparatory grief because it can help you prepare for a future that includes loss and change.
Knowing that a change is approaching can motivate you to take action to get ready for what’s ahead logistically and emotionally; whether by making final arrangements, having difficult conversations, setting up counseling, joining support groups, saying goodbye, clearing up misunderstandings, and preparing for financial and social adjustments.
Stages of anticipatory grief
Much like conventional grief, there are a set of phases associated with anticipatory grief over one’s own death or a dying loved one. While the phases are laid out in a sequence, they may be experienced in any order and may even overlap.
There may be days when parts of each stage come up and other days when none do.
The importance of staying present
Anticipatory grief can help you prepare for loss and change, but it can also pull you away from the present moment. The future is uncertain, and the time you have left is unknown. Anticipatory grief can cause intense and overwhelming feelings that distract you from the now.
Research isn’t clear about the benefits or consequences of grieving before a loss. Sometimes it helps lessen the impact of mourning after a loss, but other times it unnecessarily extends stress.
Staying present helps you remain clear-minded and focused. It allows you to make the best decisions for yourself without getting lost in the future ‘what ifs’. After all, the future depends on what you do in the present.
Practical tips to stay present
Giving yourself permission live in uncertainty can provide moments of peace and joy amidst grief and stress. Here are some practical tips to help you stay present:
1. Self-care: Anticipating loss is exhausting and makes it difficult to be present. Take care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, and staying hydrated.
2. Talk to someone: Peer groups and counseling can be powerful forms of support. Sharing your experiences with someone you trust can help you process your emotions.
3. Give yourself permission to feel: Feeling guilty for mourning something that hasn’t happened yet is common- it’s not ‘wrong’ to feel this way and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead of ignoring your emotions, acknowledge and feel them. Burying your feelings is counterproductive and can lead to physical symptoms like digestive issues, chronic pain, headaches, and sleeplessness. Avoid numbing with alcohol or other escapism, as this can cause more problems in the future.
4. Use outlets: Try journaling, crafting, coloring, writing poetry, or drawing. You can channel energy into physical actions like working out, walking, or volunteering — all these activities are researched-backed stress reducers!
5. Practice grounding techniques: These techniques help anchor your body and mind in the present moment. Just a few moments each day can make a big difference, helping you notice when your mind is wandering unhelpfully. Practice guided relaxations with EFR’s Guided Relaxation and Meditation playlist to destress, stay grounded, and develop mindfulness skills.
6. Create moments to stay present: Engage in activities that involve your senses, like going for a walk, getting a massage, enjoying a good meal, attending a concert, taking an art or cooking class, practicing yoga, or watching a movie or live theater performance.
Sometimes, you may want to share and express your feelings, while other times, you may seek distractions for a sense of normalcy. There’s no wrong way to feel.
Grief isn’t easy. Seeking support can help
Living with so much uncertainty can be difficult. It’s normal to struggle. If the grief you feel impacts your ability to care for yourself, work, pay bills, maintain your home, or care for children, and you find yourself withdrawing, experiencing suicidal thoughts, or turning to alcohol or drugs to cope, it’s a sign that the grief is overwhelming you and it’s time to seek outside support.
You don’t need to wait until grief interferes with your life to seek help. Professional support can equip you to navigate change with less stress, proactively resolve potential problems before they escalate, and empower you to build resilience. By seeking help, you can be present and make the best decisions for your future.
Tune into Emotion Well’s episode Growing Through Grief
At some point we will lose people we know and love to death making grief an inevitable life experience. Buffy Peters, the Director of Hamilton’s Academy of Grief and Loss, joins us to speak about the different ways grief presents itself, how people can embrace and grow with grief, and the abundance of resources available for those grieving.
